“And herrrre we havvvvve, the sacred sign of Rammseeees II. Which was made by the cousin of Ramsesssss III who loved the daughter of nefatraiiii who wanted to die in the Vallleeyyy of the Kingggs..and you spell it not like Ramsesss the first did, who went to the Hittites to trade spicesssss and had three sonsss, and one of his sonnnssss had a bad legggg so he was exiled to Assssswan which is now part of Nubia…not Ethiopia..no Nubia… and he spelled his name like thissssss….”Thissss, was our first impression of ancient Egypt.. unfortunately. We had a tour guide of SUCK to put it bluntly. I would have been fine with his need to elongate every single sssssss, had he been somewhat competent in the telling of Egyptian history. Not even the telling, the man could not point to a statue and coherently explain who it was and why it was there. His stories were convoluted and made zero sense, and even when you paid INCREDIBLY close attention, and asked simple questions to try and make sense of what he was saying, he glossed over and began talking about some king’s daughter’s cousin’s son who died in 2023 BC. FAIL.
I knew within a few hours of arrival that I most likely would not return to Egypt and thus was adamant in getting as much as I could while I was here. So I treated the gift shop like a library, found the best guidebook I could, batted my eyelashes until the owner let me sit outside and read it, and did this for three days until I was confident in my understanding of at least a small fraction of Egyptian history.
Thissss, in a nutshell, is what I learned (or re-learned as I'm sure we all got a lot of this somewhere from a monotone middle-school history teacher).
Beware the historical holes as I finish my second beer toward the end.
Roughly, Egypt as we know it began with Dynasty 0 (3150-2950 BC). This is when the earliest hieroglyphics and evidence of kinship are recorded. Plus, the aggressive conquest of the Delta Region by Southern Egypt.
Then we have the Archaic Period: Here the first and second dynasties ruled from 2950-2635 BC under King Menes. Under Menes Egyptians established the first semblance of a monarchy and began developing their religion.
Old Kingdom: Home to the third-sixth dynasties (2635 to 2215 BC). This one was important because Kings (Pharos) became intrinsically linked with Gods during this period. Aka, “I am your King and God speaks through me so everyone bow down and FEAR me.” It worked. This was also the time of the pyramids. They were built specifically to serve as the tombs of the pharos so that they could properly pass into the next life and join their fellow gods. The First Intermediate Period: 7th-10th dynasties 2215-2050 BC: Because Pepi II ruled for too long, the kingdom began to collapse (this would not be the first time a cocky king refused to relinquish his power, *cough* RAMSESSSS II *cough*) and provincial officials known as Nomarchs took control. This was a great period of instability for Egypt, local trade was cut off, and life was tough, only when Mentuhotep stepped up to plate would the kingdom be reunified and the 11th dynasty begun.
BOOM, Middle Kingdom: 11th-13th dynasties: The 11th dynasty finalized the reunification of the fabulous Egypt in all of its former glory and pyramid building resumed. Most importantly a distinct system of the power transfer from king to his successor was established so that smooth transitions would be in place “forever more”.
2nd Intermediate Period: Here we see that immigration booms are not just a problem of modern society, but in fact they proved to be an issue in the BC. Egypt began attracting scores of foreigners, Libyans, Asiatics, and the Sudanese flooded the Egyptian cities. The Nubian Kingdoms that were created in Northern Egypt got feisty and begin threatening Southern Egypt.
New Kingdom: 18th Dynasty 1570-1293 BC. BIG THINGS. Nubia is conquered and a series of strong Egyptian rulers take Egypt into a new era. Lots of extended trade, lots of diplomatic marriages and strategic pairings, and a new form of tombs (the pyramids were being raided by thieves by this point), so Kings were now buried in mountainside tombs which became today’s infamous, Valley of the Kings. This was also the era of the boy King Tutankhamen. He took the throne around age ten and ruled until his untimely death at age 19 (spaz fell off a chariot). (The only reason he’s famous is because archeologists found his tomb in perfect condition and modern museums can now easily display all of his shiny shit).
New Kingdom Ramses Period: And here we are graced with the presence of the almighty Rammsesssssssss. After a series of childless Kings Ramses I takes power and begins the 19th dynasty, followed by none other THAN Ramses II. I’m still not sure how I feel about him, he is by far the most famous Egyptian pharaoh but what did he actually do? Well, he had 67 wives, bore 130 children, and built more tombs, shrines, and obelisks (dedicated to himself) than ANY other ruler. But this is because he refused to relinquish power and therefore had 68 full years to marry women, have sex, make babies and build shit. He won ONE battle (a narrow victory against the Hittites) and signed the first peace treaty known to man (OK kind of cool, but it was mostly to save face after he nearly lost his ONE battle).Aka the most famous kings of Egypt, (Ramses II and King Tut…realllly didn’t do much). And thanks to egomaniac Ramses II and his refusal to relinquish power.. Egypt once again began to unravel. Now I begin abbreviating because what else really matters after Ramses anyways…We’ve got some Nubian Kings coming into power and the decline of the pharos because priests become more closely associated with Gods. Then around 1070 BC, Assyrians defeat Egyptians and take over.
Late Period (664 to 333 BC) Kind of important, it marks the last pharonic rule. Why? First the Nubians ruled, than Greeks started filtering in, and then PERSIA. Naturally, Egyptians were THRILLED when Alexander the Great arrived in 333 BC to free them from their Persian oppressors. Thus we enter the Hellenistic period, where Greek was the latest fad. Alexander and his successor Ptolemy created Alexandria, the famous Mediterranean port City of Northern Egypt. The Ptolemy’s ruled until 30 BC when Cleopatra VI (the last of ht Ptolemy dynasty) was defeated by Octavian. Egypt then became a province of Rome. Then we’ve got the Roman Empire, the rise of Christianity, Byzantine rule and LOTS of Christian persecution. This lasted until around 639 AD when Muslim Arabs came and spread Islam across all of Egypt. Then there was a period of Ottoman rule, the French occupied for a hot second, followed by Muhammad. Then of course a couple of world wars, English occupations, and Italian air raids, and finally in 1953 the Egyptian Republic was declared followed by a modern history full of more religious strife,persecution and more drama than all of Ramses Temples combined.
Weeeeeeeeeeee!
was thissssss tour guide something like the woman on the bus that we wanted to throw a shoe at? como estasssssssssssssssssssssssssss??
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